Adulthood??

Being an adult can really suck. It can also be freeing and wonderful. It all depends on how you live...

I am now (gasp) 31 years old. My mind has been a whirl with many thoughts about being a grown up for the last few months. Thinking about my beliefs, my choices, the way I live my life, the people I choose to have in it. Its all been a bit of a mess in my head for a while. Trying to refine and figure out things for myself. I think last night I came to at least one conclusion...

Without honesty its all just a bunch of fluff.

I can have amazing plans, make great choices, have good people in my life... but if I don't live out the truth its all just a facade.

Being honest. Truly honest. Like deep down heart of hearts, bone deep honest... is one of the toughest things I have ever had to do. Not that I spend my time lieing to myself or others... just that to really be honest with yourself and others makes you very vulnerable. Its much easier to trick yourself into living out a life that is a shadow of who you are. Your perception, your facade for others. To be cliche... your MASK. The mask as a description is sad... weirder when we wear it for ourselves.

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and really saw yourself. The true you. Saw the good things as well as the bad. Really looked at who you are. The way you interact with people, your fears, your insecurities?? I did yesterday and... it was.... heart renching but freeing at the same time.
It took me a while to really admit to myself who I was. To admit my faults, and in so doing realize that I needed to change. I need to be more aware of the way I react to difficult sitations. Be more willing to love quickly. To bite my tongue when I know the words I speak will wound. To not use those words to lash out at those I love. To learn to listen carefully. To treat my husband as the precious gift he is to me... instead of taking him for granted. To be the first to reach out after a fight. Honesty...

Tough as it was/is... I think I am better off being real. Real to myself, God, and those around me. The real me is a work in progress. I won't get very far without help from God.... and patience from those around me... and myself. I would love to have an instant change.... but I know that that is unlikely. I have to be honest or the facade will return. Without struggle... I don't think we really feel victory on the other side.

Wishing anyone who reads this honesty and perseverance during the struggle... and Victory on the other side!!